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An Introduction

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Shaney96, Dec 19, 2017.

Goal: Get 20 new FB friends, approach 5 girls, make-out with 1 girl by January 13, 2018 (finished)

100%

Completed

Member Shaney96 commits to the following actions to achieve this goal

Each day I am to strike up at least 3 conversations with people, including women.

  1. Shaney96

    Shaney96 Active Member

    Rating points:
    94
    Action points:
    634
    Result points:
    709

    Goal Approval

    Hey everyone, I'm Luke.

    I'll start this off with a little backstory to provide some context and help you get to know me a little better:
    I was the emotional tampon at school. An obese, incredibly friendly kid who befriended the most attractive girls in my year. Yet I always faced intense frustration towards my complete inability to cultivate any form of attraction/chemistry between me and them. This lasted until I was 17, where I established my first relationship. Well, she lived abroad, I never saw her, and she ended up 'cheating' (if you can call it that, since I never saw her) on me and 'turning lesbian', so that was fun.

    Fast forward a year or two and I'm at University. I kiss a few girls in a club, but it isn't until last August when I go on my first date. This turns into a second date and I lose my virginity; scariest moment of my fucking life. This turns into a relationship, which lasts 13 months, that ended ~3 months ago. I found TRP ~18 months ago, and this helped greatly in regards to maintaining a healthy LTR. Yes, I got into the LTR because it was convenient and, looking back, I believe I would have grown more if I'd have not gotten into it and would have instead continued dating and seeing more girls. You live and you learn.


    Now, my current situation is somewhat challenging, and I think it's making me stronger in ways I don't yet appreciate:

    - I was in Uni when I met my ex, and during the relationship I finished my second year and began my placement. Since the placement was in a small town where she lived, I moved in with her. This (I believe) is what was detrimental to the relationship, since I was not a strong enough person to do what had to maintain a healthy relationship: I got lazy and began slacking at the gym, I put no effort into trying to develop social circles, I talked to no other women. Evenings were therefore spent entirely with her, and, since I found little joy in my job, I became needy.

    - I still live in this town, and still have this job. I work for a small tech company, with very few women, and a lot of introverted guys and men with kids/family. I've asked multiple times for drinks with people, and have had one time where I've drank with some of them for a pub quiz. Many don't live in my town.

    - The above looks like an excuse for having no friends, I can see that. However, it isn't an excuse, it's just a few facts. I'm currently cultivating some friend groups by: joining a BJJ club; playing 5-a-side football; I go out every weekend. Most of the time I go out solo, and end up striking up a conversation with strangers along the way

    - My job isn't all that rewarding, but I feel the rewards will be reaped after Uni, since I'm garnering such desirable experience for my field of study.

    - I'm in the best shape of my life. I eat well and hit the gym 4 times a week. I'm thankful I didn't just flop after the end of the relationship. After the relationship I just felt completely fucking lost, and it wasn't until I had something of a mental breakdown last week, where I began to find some sense of direction and purpose for what I'm doing.

    - Every day I think about my ex. Living in a small town where she lives, of course I see her car a few times a week. I go to the same shops we used to go to. I cycle past her house and see her lights on, knowing she's with somebody else and is getting pumped in the bed I used to sleep in. Yeah, I understand and accept that she's still my oneitis, even though I finalized the break-up, but I believe it will take time since I don't have a proper friend group, don't talk to other girls, and she's been the only girl I've ever been sexual with.


    Goals:
    - I'm fucking off to go InterRailing around Europe this upcoming Saturday, so I hope this brings about some growth and inspires me to travel more before heading into a job after Uni. I also aim to speak to a lot of people. I've always found it very difficult to randomly spark up a conversation with a stranger, since "it's something you just don't really do", AKA it goes against many social norms. I've been doing it quite a bit over the last month or two since I've been going out solo, so I think I'll find it pretty easy once I'm able to open a few people. I don't aim to fuck 15 girls on my trip, as I want goals that are in my control. Instead, I'd like to try cold approaching in each city I visit, or at least talking to a few strangers in each city in hoping to form some temporary group of friends I can meet for drinks. This can include sparking up a conversation in a coffee shop, on a guided tour and trying for a number, or literally just doing a standard cold approach. My main aim for the trip is to have fun, and I know that by pushing myself and being as social as possible, then the fun comes right along with it. I think it's important to not set unrealistic expectations for myself, yet not rationalize. I mean, since I find cold approaching incredible intimidating, I don't believe it's reasonable to set a goal to approach a girl a day, or else this pressure I apply to myself will turn into anxiety and will affect my enjoyment of the trip. I know this as I've had it plenty of times where I've gone on nights out and have hoped to make at least one approach, and then, because of that pressure, I end up being anxious for most of the night, not approaching, then feeling like absolutely shit at the end of the night because I 'failed'. In actuality, it would've been beneficial to just have gone out to enjoy myself, be present, and I would have had a greater chance of getting with a girl.

    - My main obstacle regarding women is my ability to express myself sexually. I don't feel I'm at all unattractive. I can make a girl laugh, confidently introduce myself to a girl/group of people if there's some reason to do so, keep strong eye-contact, get people talking about themselves, etc.. But I suddenly freeze when a girl's showing signs of attraction and I somehow must show attraction back and kiss the girl. So yeah, I can flirt, do basic kino, but when it comes to making that first kiss, well, I just shit myself a little. I think it may be less of a problem if there were more opportunities, since, looking back at it, my first date turned into a 13 month LTR, then when I got out of that, I'm put in a place where girls aren't that abundant. So yeah, I reckon, again, doing some partying on my trip will help.

    -I'd like to cultivate a proper friend group. I went to a house party at the weekend and added a few people, and have arranged to meet one of them in the New Year, and I get along well with the people at BJJ and football, so I guess it's just a process of turning these acquaintances into friends.


    My main aim is to be in a very strong position by the time I get back to Uni (next September). I do this by achieving the following:

    - Keep going out at weekends: Spark up conversations with strangers in pubs, go clubbing solo and sober and try approaching a girl or two each time I go out. Also, go out in other cities when I can. I've done this a few times before and it makes me appreciate how great it will be to be back living in a city.
    - Keep my gym and nutrition on point. I'm not going to be super relaxed on my holiday, but I'll allow myself to indulge in the delicacies. When I'm back I aim to cut for a bit more, then bulk for a few months, then finally cut again so I'm relatively lean for Uni.
    - Continue my habits of reading, meditating, and pursuing my hobbies. After a day at work I ensure I do my daily tasks. I must remember to reward myself for completing such activities, as it must be appreciated that doing these are helping me work towards my goals of developing my inner game, which to me means having a more realistic and positive view on life, while increasing my passive attractiveness/SMV/natural frame.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2017
    James likes this.
  2. James

    James Host

    Welcome to the crew!

    The travel will definitely help you clear you mind and move on to new things.

    As for the goal, the goal description needs to be improved, as it's too close to the action commitment. Basically, if you do that action, you've already met the goal. So it doesn't meet "measurable" + "results-orientated" (it's more about the action than a separate, measurable result).

    Any ideas for a result-orientated goal? E.g. "get one date" or "kiss one girl". Or if it genuinely is a "get more social" kind of goal, you could make it something like "get 30 new Euro/traveler facebook friends". That for instance is 100% measurable and easy to present (just a blurred out facebook friends log).
     
  3. Tom

    Tom Active Member

    Rating points:
    108
    Action points:
    261
    Result points:
    221
    I know you know it: but fuck her dude. Sack her off. She's moved on. To be honest from what you've written, I believe you pretty much have.

    I get this exact same thing with day game! There really needs to be a way to get round this. I guess it must come down to some incorporation of mindfulness in you night game?

    Same again for me. i think it's just lack of dates and being in that scenario few times.

    As far as your trip goes: I hope you enjoy it and make some great memories and have some fun experiences. I'm no pro but just 2 suggestions:

    1) Fitness: count calories and calisthenics? Should aid with maintenance and still allows sugary treats.
    2) Approaching girls indirect will be easy. 'hey, do you know where (insert a place you are actually trying to find) is. [their reply]. Awesome, do you live here? [their reply] sweet, well I'm taking a trip round Europe, trying to see the sights [report] we should try x activity together? Might work? Shows you're the new but sociable chad in the city - new one for the cock carousel.

    3 conversations a day is for sure doable. Field report for tomorrow?
     
  4. Shaney96

    Shaney96 Active Member

    Rating points:
    94
    Action points:
    634
    Result points:
    709
    Good call. I set the goal as such as it's something that's entirely in my control. It's something I definitely can do. Meaning that, if I fail, it's completely my responsibility. Saying that, I think it'd be more rewarding to set a goal like you suggested, that I can strive towards over my trip.

    I'm unsure how to edit that part, as going into edit mode doesn't do the trick, however:
    1. Meet 20 new friends and have them all on Facebook. Overall I'm spending like 20 days out, so this is one a day. Cheers for recommending this as it's a good, measurable goal which isn't too intimidating for me but gets me outside of my comfort zone and can easily lead to meeting women and sexual encounters.
    2. Approach 5 girls. Overall I've only ever done 3 cold approaches, and they still scare the shit out of me due to lack of context and the immense vulnerability you're exposing yourself to. I'd say to record each encounter, but I know I'll end up forgetting. This goal can be measured by myself personally, and it's up to me to be honest with myself and everyone else regarding the completion of this.
    3. Make-out with 1 girl. No biggie, right? Well, considering I've not traveled solo and I'm new to this shit, I think this may be a challenge. I aim to do some clubbing, but I still find approaching girls in clubs hard, but I think this will be an easier goal to reach than number 2.
     
  5. Shaney96

    Shaney96 Active Member

    Rating points:
    94
    Action points:
    634
    Result points:
    709
    I've gotten over her in the sense that I'll never get into a relationship with her, even if she came crawling back. However, I had that mindset pretty soon after the break-up, it's just getting her out of my mind that I'm struggling with. I think the most important thing in times like this is to just accept that she's going to be lingering in my thoughts. I mean, going from living with someone whom you have a deep emotional connection with to not seeing her at all is going to provoke many thoughts each day? That's just human, if you ask me. So accepting that I'm still going to be thinking about her, keeping myself occupied with other things, and looking forward and being anticipative of new ventures, is what should help ease the pain and help reduce growth-restriction.

    Definitely. It's to do with not setting yourself up for failure. The difficulty comes around when you feel like you're lying to yourself: "But I'm not good with women so I have to approach. How can I just focus on 'having fun' if I'm not approaching, which is the main thing that's restricting my growth?" Yeah, I have thoughts like these very often when going out. If there was an easy answer, I wouldn't have these thoughts, but I've found it helpful to just focus on being present (easier said than done) and going out with the intentions of meeting new people and enjoying your time with the people you're around, rather than "must approach three girls". Doing the latter can take the fun out of it, and anyways, when you focus on the former, you'll most likely find that it's easier to attract girls and you'll receive more IOIs, which naturally motivates you to approach such girls, rather than it feeling like a tedious task you're pressuring yourself into. You'll also reap better rewards if you go in with a positive and strong mindset, rather than an anxious one that emanates beta-ness.

    Cheers for the pointers regarding my goals. I think I'll keep counting calories, and will aim to do x-amount of push-ups each morning and pull-ups when I see a a tree or whatever. Just maintaining my gains is something I aim to do while away. I'm not off until Saturday, so, whenever I get some WiFi and deem it necessary., I'll be updating on here.
     
  6. Fundinn

    Fundinn Active Member

    Rating points:
    44
    Action points:
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    Result points:
    304
    First off, the fact that you are going out on your own is a big achievement so I congratulate you on that. It seems easy to feel self-conscious if nothing is happening overtime. Your time in Europe is going to be a good way to reset. How is your university? It usually is a great way to meet people.

    How are you finding living in a small town? If you moved there for her, would you consider moving elsewhere in the future?
     
  7. Shaney96

    Shaney96 Active Member

    Rating points:
    94
    Action points:
    634
    Result points:
    709
    I've done 2 years of it so far. The first was spent with me more in my shell, but still joining a few societies. I was still pretty introverted back then, so didn't go out a whole lot.
    By the time I got into 2nd year I was in a relationship so wasn't bothered about meeting girls. I had a bit of a social circle, but most people were acquaintances.

    It's pretty shitty in comparison to living in a town. It's really made me appreciate the opportunities that are there for you when living in a city, however. I wanted to start a dance class, yoga, and meditation classes, however there literally are none of them in this town, and I don't own a car. This however, has forced me to do shit like go out solo, introduce myself to randomers, start the few things that are available for me.

    It was by great coincidence that she moved to the town after I got confirmation of my placement, meaning I didn't move here for her, since my placement was already all set. I cannot wait to get back to Uni, however this placement has been - and will continue to be - a great learning experience; I'm kinda going Monk Mode a little.

    Moving in with my ex taught me not to make that same mistake in the future - I was brought into her surroundings/frame and had little going on in my life. I don't think I'll be getting into a serious relationship for at least a couple more years, as I think it's important that I grow as much as possible while the opportunities are in some abundance. Furthermore, I think it will be a long fucking time until I move in with a girl, if ever.
     
  8. Tom

    Tom Active Member

    Rating points:
    108
    Action points:
    261
    Result points:
    221
    Yeah your right man. I'm in an easy position to say it as I've never had a girlfriend. You seem like you're getting to where you want to be with her fast. I think abundance of girls (the multiple plates) will be a good way of forgetting about her for good.

    If you drop by Manchester, hit me up. Day game with the xmas markets/January sales would be class.
     
  9. James

    James Host

    Looks better, so the goal could be "Get 20 new FB friends, approach 5 girls, make-out with 1 girl".

    Recording something like approaches is easiest done with something to tally. Could just be a small pencil and piece of paper in your pocket, or a tally widget on your phone (sits on the desktop and you just touch it to increment the number).


    I'll admin-vote to reject the goal, and then you can edit it by Thread Tools -> Edit Goal.
     
  10. Gort

    Gort Robot

    Notification: Goal was not approved.

    The community feels this goal is: not SMART. Please edit the goal and resubmit within 48 hours.
     
  11. Gort

    Gort Robot

    Notification: The goal has been resubmitted.

    Let's vote on the rewritten goal!
     
  12. Shaney96

    Shaney96 Active Member

    Rating points:
    94
    Action points:
    634
    Result points:
    709
    Tits.. Please cancel it so I can re-submit; I fucked it.
     
  13. Gort

    Gort Robot

    Notification: Goal was not approved.

    The community feels this goal is: not SMART. Please edit the goal and resubmit within 48 hours.
     
  14. Gort

    Gort Robot

    Notification: The goal has been resubmitted.

    Let's vote on the rewritten goal!
     
  15. Shaney96

    Shaney96 Active Member

    Rating points:
    94
    Action points:
    634
    Result points:
    709
    Great, and again please. I click 'resubmit' assuming it'll change into edit-mode, but apparently it submits it.
     
  16. James

    James Host

    Hmm maybe I should change the instructions for goal resubmits so it's clearer.

    When it gets rejected, you can then edit with Thread Tools -> Edit Goal.

    Then if you refresh, you should see the new goal details at the top of the thread.

    Then, you can hit resubmit.
     
  17. Gort

    Gort Robot

    Notification: Goal was not approved.

    The community feels this goal is: not SMART. Please edit the goal and resubmit within 48 hours.
     
  18. Gort

    Gort Robot

    Notification: The goal has been resubmitted.

    Let's vote on the rewritten goal!
     
  19. Gort

    Gort Robot

    Notification: Goal approved!

    The community voted to approve this goal as Doable and SMART.
    Now, do your best to succeed! Your next progress update will come due on Sun, 24 Dec 2017.
     
  20. James

    James Host

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