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An Introduction

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Shaney96, Dec 19, 2017.

Goal: Get 20 new FB friends, approach 5 girls, make-out with 1 girl by January 13, 2018 (finished)

100%

Completed

Member Shaney96 commits to the following actions to achieve this goal

Each day I am to strike up at least 3 conversations with people, including women.

  1. Jack

    Jack Member

    Rating points:
    49
    Action points:
    62
    Yeah It's so hard to quantify progress, I guess the more you concentrate on trying to work out how you are progressing the slower you'll see changes since internalising new behaviour isn't something you can do consciously? Just gotta concentrate on improving and not getting hung up on exactly how you are changing I guess.

    It's weird I feel like having an active social life with a regular group almost makes it worse. The people I socialise with are the same ones I've been chilling with for the last 10 years and it's almost like they trap you in your ways, acting to differently from how they perceive you isn't always met with positivity and the social pressure to stay in your allocated position in a group is massive. I think that's why your trip sounds like such a fantastic idea, a real opportunity to not give a fuck and remake yourself into a version of yourself you are happier with. I'm definitely considering doing something similar this year.

    It sounds like the tease worked well, and although that kind of thing could easily offend someone you brought it back. You could have suggested you both do it at the same time (one cleans one drys etc.) That way you isolate and can keep up momentum rather than creating a massive gap in contact by separating yourselves.

    Hard to say without being able to read the mood in the room but an option would have been to take the lead and get you both having a couple drinks there, to me it sounds like she isn't saying she doesn't want to drink or chill, just that she doesn't want to go clubbing.

    Yeah man seriously, sometimes you can't force a situation to go your way even if you try better to just be chill and have fun doing what you are doing, sounds like you did really well in acting as the leader of the group.
     
  2. Shaney96

    Shaney96 Active Member

    Rating points:
    94
    Action points:
    634
    Result points:
    709

    Result

    Right, so, came back from my trip yesterday, and here follows the results:

    Facebook friends: 23
    Total approaches (asking for directions, anything): No fucking clue - very many since I lost my phone so had to ask a lot of people for directions and where was good to eat etc..
    Cold approaches to just girls: 7 or 8
    Overall approaches to groups including girls: Probably around 13-15
    Makeouts: 3

    Welcome to a little more introspection - feel free to read and comment.

    So I'm back home. Got back last night, and completely melted: watched porn for the first time in months, fapped multiple times, and consumed an entire Quality Street tin on my own after already going over my caloric intake. Today family came over, and I really fucking dislike seeing family sometimes.

    What this trip kinda made me appreciate is how fucking alone we are in this world. My Mum was 'over the world' to see me today, yet she didn't seem at all interested in my general happiness etc., it just seemed like pure selfishness that she wanted to see me for her peace-of-mind. My sister, being her manipulative, womanly self, questioned why I hadn't gotten her a gift from my travels, why I hand't asked about her Christmas or how she'd been doing, and if I'd spoken to my ex recently. She also pointed out that she doesn't like my hair long, it should be cut short, and that she likes that I've gained weight and that I was too skinny before.

    When I was away I got not a single message from friends. When my parents would ring me, yeah, they'd ask whether I was okay, but I felt like it was purely for their peace-of-mind rather than actually caring about me and what I was getting up to. Of course I would enjoy speaking about the things I'd been doing, but I got questions like "how easy is it to catch the trains?", "what's the weather like?", "how's the hostel" - the most bland questions they could've asked, and felt like they were asked because I felt that they felt they were asking them out of the feeling of obligation.

    I still feel a little fucking uneasy. I'm 'back to reality' now, in the sense that I'm back in this tiny little town with few prospects, a job I don't enjoy, etc.. What's difficult is that I associate this town with my ex sub-consciously, and am bound to still see her around. I feel like I'm not living congruently - I'd much fucking rather piss off to another country and do something else, or just move to another city. I, however, feel bound to finish this internship and that I must finish my degree. It's not that I don't enjoy Computer Science, it's just that I cannot imagine myself doing this shit for the remainder of my life. "Not long now Luke", says the mother.. But does salvation await me when I go back to my University city and start studying again? Being able to walk around, meet girls on Tinder and through societies, and cultivate friend groups easier? Or does 'salvation' just lie in the now, and I should just make the most of the cards that I've been dealt, or can I change those cards? Yeah, a bit of a pickle I'm in, I guess.

    I definitely don't want a relationship but, of course, I miss the comfort and emotional connection from having a relationship, and, since I'm pretty isolated, my mind likes reminiscing on those times with my ex. My solution? Well, I've got a few goals I'm gonna try and pursue:
    - Start taking guitar more seriously - I enjoy it but just dabble.
    - Continue with my 5-a-side and BJJ and actually try and cultivate a social circle. This is gonna be hard as fuck, but I must try.
    - I've got a few acquaintances that I've met through going out solo. I should definitely keep in contact with these and organize going for a pint, without coming across as needy and lonely, which is quite easy to do if you're in a negative mindset.
    - Since I'm not in the best position to develop abilities with women, I'm going to try and focus more on the gym and my diet. Over my trip, it went to complete shit, but hopefully, from tomorrow, I can get it right back on track.
    - Do fun shit at the weekends and start reading more fiction. I've spent too much time fucking mentally masturbating over self-development shit and TRP shit that it just gets me down so much since I put these pressures and expectations on myself that are just unrealistic. It's time I get my head out of that shit and just learn to chill out sometimes.

    Sometimes I compare myself to how I was 20 months ago, when I first discovered TRP and began to make fundamental changes in my life and my mindset. I get down as I feel I'm weaker now that I was then. I must realize that, back then, I hadn't been in an LTR and was in a better position since I enjoyed my job, had more people around me, and lived in a city I fucking loved. I think going from LTR, beautiful city, course I enjoy, to no girls, few friends, and a town and job I dislike, has definitely proven to be a challenge. I try to not complain and emanate negativity, as that's just futile, but it can get difficult.

    Depending on my state of mind, my perspective can differ. Most of the time, I feel completely liberated that I'm not following the societal norms, not doing things to please others, not following the 'rules' that society/family/media sets out for us, and instead can better see life and people for what they are. On the other hand, intellectualizing things has made it difficult for me to find joy in the simple things in life. I feel I have to be x or y, or do w or z to feel like I've achieved something. Sometimes I just think 'what's the point?'.

    Well, that was all getting a little depressing, huh?

    So, I guess I'll conclude with some kind of summary about myself and shit.

    Overall, I reckon I'm pretty attractive. I was actually surprised at the amount of IoIs I was getting just walking around on my trip. Yesterday, at the airport, this bird was serving me. She hadn't even looked at me as she looked like she was in a bad mood and was just scanning my shit. When asking for the money she looked at me quickly, but then did a fucking double-take. First time I've ever had that done so obviously. Made some small talk and made her laugh somewhat. So yeah, I reckon my posture etc. is pretty strong, and I'm generally confident in initiating conversation with a girl and am now more confident at kino, which is definitely something that scared me prior to going away.

    I also have interesting shit that I do, so I wouldn't say I'm lacking in the "oh, so what other things do you do?" category.. Aka hobbies and interests..

    I reckon my problem lies in actually being able to do shit with myself. Yeah, there's 5-a-side where there are a few kids my age, and a few older men. Then there's BJJ, which I definitely think is something that has potential, which is just guys. I've definitely learned to not work for a small tech company in a town, since it's probably going to be 95% male, none of which serve to be a role model any ways. This, I believe, is important, since I've never had a male role model and I think that it would definitely be handy to have someone around you who has attractive behavioral traits that you could learn from etc..

    If I keep up going out at weekends, trying to develop my friend group etc., then I could probably be in a great position by the time I get back to Uni. I think my 'mistake' was that, before getting into my LTR, I was developing quite a bit and becoming quite attractive. Then, I suddenly go on my first date and BANG, I don't date or try it on with any other girls as this girl's seen some potential and wants me to commit to her - and I eventually do, since it was comfortable and convenient.

    So yeah, I reckon I've got potential, and fucking loved doing uncomfortable things and growing throughout my trip. Would I do it again? Fuck yeah. I want to take a year or so off after Uni and just do something different - fuck going straight into a 9-5, that shit sounds like walking straight into getting my balls put into a vice.

    I reckon my potential will 'blossom' somewhat when I get back to Uni, but I get so many 'what's the point' thoughts (as you read earlier in this post) due to me not seeing results
     
    Voting on this result has closed.
  3. Fundinn

    Fundinn Active Member

    Rating points:
    44
    Action points:
    207
    Result points:
    304
    Man @Shaney96, I don't give myself too much time on here while I work on my goal, but I want to acknowledge you for being analytical, writing out how you feel at any given time, and not blaming external circumstances too much for your life.

    I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents, but perhaps you aren't making your intentions and feelings clear. Also, I don't know if it makes sense for you to expect that anyone but yourself should be interested in how you feel. It starts with you.

    To give you an example, my parents from eastern Europe never congratulated me for anything I did, but I quickly realized I didn't need it. I do what feels right. If they are happy for something I do, well good. Otherwise, it's good too, cause my validation comes from the inside.

    Wouldn't change a thing in the long run. You carry your emotional and psychological baggage with you. I have a friend who moved from Australia to my hometown and the only reason he's 'changed' from the move is that he isn't hanging out with the toxic people he knew back home. Otherwise he'd be the same guy.

    You referred to your ex a lot in your writings, I'd like to suggest the following exercise:
    Whenever you see yourself thinking of your ex, keep doing it consciously, realize how ridiculous that fixation in your mind is. Blow it out and say : "Now I will think about her consciously knowing that if I keep thinking about her things will get fixed up and I'll be happy again."

    Whenever I consciously think of defective mind patterns I realize how ridiculous they are. Worth a try. Also, no need to feel repulsed by those thoughts. Treat them for what they are; thoughts. Invite them and let them stay for as long as they need to. They will know when it's time to go. If you threaten them, they will come back at you, get comfortable with yourself and your thoughts(there's a limit to this, but I think you get the point).

    You're a smart guy. Which is a double-edged sword at times. I think that serving others would help you distill your potential obsession with self. By that, I mean doing stuff out of an abundant mindset to complete strangers with no expectations. It's liberating to think of the wellbeing of other people once or twice a month by doing volunteering of sorts.

    It's cheesy, but I like to think that out of the ashes, the phoenix revives to see another day.*

    None of that is you though. You listed a bunch of external things that made you happy. I deeply believe that your joy will come from within, not without. I get that it's hard, but do think about the value you put on what you once had, perhaps it's exaggerated or amplified.

    In any case, I think that a bit of humor would do you some good. Instead of watching porn listen to some stand-up comedy and laugh out loud, life is a short drama, we ought to laugh a bit more. If you have some time, read Roughing It by Mark Twain and watch The Tao of Steve. I'm suggesting these on a whim, but I think you would like them.

    Keep it up Shaney, I know you've got incredible potential. Well done on the goal!

    P.S As a final idea, I think that listing all of the things that you are proud of would be a good exercice to close the loop on this and move on.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2018
    Jack, Tom, Shaney96 and 1 other person like this.
  4. James

    James Host

    Definitely you do. Your reports have been solid.
    Not only that, you've knocked the first completed goal in this community out of the park. So I'm very pleased, dare say grateful for that.
     
    Shaney96 likes this.
  5. Tom

    Tom Active Member

    Rating points:
    108
    Action points:
    261
    Result points:
    221
    I was going to comment but @Fundinn has smashed his response.

    Speaking of smashing, you destroyed your goal!
     
    Shaney96 likes this.
  6. Jack

    Jack Member

    Rating points:
    49
    Action points:
    62
    I also wanted to comment but I think @Fundinn hit the nail on the head, so I'll just say well done dude, you smashed it. The trip sounded like a valuable learning experience and it's going to give you a huge boost when you get back to uni.
     
    Shaney96 and James like this.
  7. Shaney96

    Shaney96 Active Member

    Rating points:
    94
    Action points:
    634
    Result points:
    709
    I'd like to think that, but parents (even people in general, so parents for sure) are able to pick up on moods/emotions/behavioral changes, etc.. The point is that I don't feel I can talk to them that personally.

    My relationship with my parents was always "they're perfect", that was until I woke up to the world and some shit happened. Then I found TRP and realized what a good job they'd done in regards to pedastalizing women, being scared of sex, etc..

    Incredibly true. It was unfortunately naive of me to think that others are bothered about me and my goings on, even my parents. I used to have a much easier time accepting that nobody truly gives a shit about me, I guess it was just hard the other day as I'm pretty alone and it sucked a little to see those closest to me, not truly caring for my general wellbeing.

    Again, this is just another lesson for me. It's something I thought I knew, but this just helped me internalize it.

    That's the problem with mental masturbation: You can read it and go 'ahh, that makes sense', but you don't truly understand it until you live it; that's when it gets burned into your soul and becomes ingrained in you.

    This is interesting, and something that could talked about a lot.
    So, I've always believed that 'happiness comes within, not without', and you use the correct term 'joy', since happiness is an emotion that has an opposite, whereas joy is a state.

    Anyways, enough of the hippy, Eckhart Tolle stuff.

    So, I'm pretty shitty at taking my own advice sometimes, and I can believe shit I've read from TPON and other spiritual books, but find it difficult to apply it sometimes. So I believe, if you're truly enlightened, that you can be in a constant state of peace (and joy?) when there's constant pain around you and happening to you. Why? Because joy - true joy - can only come within. If you're present, then you can find peace in the external environment, for the mind is at ease. However, how many of us have reached this state? Not many.

    Eckhart even states that if you're outside environment is shitty, then either accept it if you can't change it, or change it. Acceptance can be fucking difficult, and accepting a meh job and scarce opportunities, etc., is something I find difficult sometimes. I can appreciate that fucking off to another country and 'starting fresh' is a naive response to a shitty situation, yet I do believe that changing things in your external environment definitely impacts your internal one.

    I believe this is because, when I moved in with her (yup, another lesson learned here), it was the first time in the relationship I began defining my self around her. I was surrounded by her things, her parents, doing things her ways, etc..

    What I do completely recognize, however, is that I definitely do just miss the idea of her, not actually her. I remember a couple of months ago, I saw her in a club grinding against the guy she fucked two weeks after we broke up. It honestly didn't bother me at all. I just carried on dancing and had a fucking great night.

    For most part, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be overly fussed seeing her getting with another guy in a bar, or telling me about another guy she's fucked. It's purely the idea of her. The mind only focuses on the good, chirpy parts of the relationship, not the reasons-a-plenty that made me finally end it.

    'Time's a healer' and all, but I will definitely be taking your tips on shining my presence on my thoughts to see them for what they are, instead of allowing them to consume me.

    Yeah, I've done so before and felt satisfied after seeing the good I can do for others.
    People live too ignorantly selfishly. Ironically, living 'selflessly' (to an extent), is being selfish as fuck as you're doing it for your own wellbeing as your happiness increases through increasing the happiness of others.

    I'll honestly look into this, for I need something other than Mental Masturbation Materialâ„¢ to read.

    All you have is the present moment, but it's important to have a sense of direction; goals, aims, things to aspire towards, or else you wake up feeling 'why am I doing this?' - something I feel regularly. Getting in shape has been one of the biggest things keeping me going, honestly.

    One important thing I'd like to mention is the concept of reframing things vs lying to yourself. This is something that confuses me, and I'm not sure what I think about it. So, let's take my current situation. Not really enjoying my job and don't see myself in the CompSci field all my life; few female prospects, only those at my local club on the weekend; few friends and no local societies, etc.. Right, now then, would 'reframing my situation' be lying to myself? Is it good to compare my situation to shittier situations, to try and convert little jobs at the office into little adventures, as to try and make them more interesting? Could this just be considered living in the present moment, as you're literally just focused on what's in front of you? Is this just accepting 'what is', as you've accepted that you're not going to change it, so why not just make the most of it? Or is it lying to yourself, for you know truly that you don't want to be doing what you're doing, and that pretending you're enjoying it would only be attempting to deceive the self?

    Yeah, fuck knows about that shit I just wrote above. If anyone can provide some insight, it'd be appreciated.

    Pardon some of these points. I think I'll add to this tomorrow when I'm less groggy; I wanted to get something out today since I genuinely do appreciate the amount of time and effort you put into your response - thank-you.
     
    Jack and James like this.
  8. Gort

    Gort Robot

    Notification: The result has been rated.

    Congratulations on following this goal to the end!

    The average goal result rating was: 5.00 (Grade: A — Surpassed goal).

    Updates Report
    Total updates submitted: 2 of 2
    Average update rating: 4.5 (Huge action towards goal)


    Next Steps
    Well done! Your action taking was strong and it paid off! Continue this good work.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2018
  9. James

    James Host

    And so completes the first goal at GoGetters! A fine start indeed.

    But of course, just the beginning. When you're ready & rested from your trip @Shaney96, you can start a brainstorming thread for the next goal :)
     

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