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Discussion in 'Introductions' started by norbulak, Dec 20, 2017.

  1. norbulak

    norbulak New Member

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    Hello gentlemen,

    Before getting to the core of my introduction, and to keep this concise, this is the structure I will follow :
    I) General context ( Some info about who I am )
    II) List of issues / different attempts to solve them
    III) Synthesis

    I) Context

    I am a 26 year old male currently living in Paris. I earn a decent living as a software engineering consultant, have a strong group of friends (99% male) and a decent relationship with my family ( who for the most part is living abroad).

    Personality-wise I can make friends fairly easily even though I'm extremely introverted and struggled with anxiety related issues during most of my life. My relationship with the opposite sex has been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster : I've been the confidant ( emotional tampon if you will ) of a few girls, had a few hookups and 2 LTRs, the first one has lasted a few years, on and off, and left me with quite a few emotional scars. The second one ( which terminated a few months ago) had similar patterns in a shorter time span ( started dating for 2 weeks, after which we lived together for 4 months).

    In short, besides my friendships with other men, I'd always been the approval seeking type. There are only a few things up until my last breakup I could actually say I was solemnly doing for my own sake.

    II) My issues

    1- I've been overweight/obese my entire life
    Basically I eat to compensate for anxiety. Though not morbidly obese, this issue affects my self-confidence greatly.
    => Joined various gyms throughout my life but never really stuck around long enough to get to the point of being fit.
    => Lost a lot of weight thanks to a dietician a few years back. But stopped seeing her after she gave me positive feedback and slowly but surely crawled back to my old eating habits.
    => Joined a Muay Thai boxing class 2 months ago. After a month of going there regularly and starting to see progress I stopped going and ate myself back to point 0.
    => Got into a diet plan about 2 weeks ago, basically I have healthy meals (3/day) with the right calorific intake delivered to my place every two weeks. The first week went fine but the past 10 days I've had quite a few binge eating sessions that nullified my efforts.

    2- Chain smoking/ addiction in general
    When my anxiety hits me hard I compensate with a lot of drinking, smoking and binge eating.
    => I've stopped smoking for a month during my last relationship and started smoking again right after it was over since I was doing it for her.

    3- Dating/ woman
    Good guy syndrome, emotional tampon, approach anxiety etc... I'd only ever attracted women with emotional issues for some reason (hence the pattern similarities between my LTRs). I've never actually slept with a woman I'd initiated the interaction with (either they approached me first or we started out as friends then physically escalated). I hardly ever make my intentions clear when I do "hit on" women thus ending up as friends with most of the woman I interact with.
    => Learned a lot about intersexual dynamics since my last breakup. Read Rollo Tomassi's rational male, lurked in TRP/reddit in general, read The Game and other books, but I haven't got to apply what I'd learned because of my main issue ( which I will detail in the synthesis since it concerns all of my other issues).

    4- Career
    I've been pushed towards intense studies by my parents and teachers up until I graduated form high-school. I am extremely disorganized and hate "selling myself" for lack of a better term. After getting my engineering diploma ( equivalent of a Masters of science in the US) I got involved with a startup company for which I worked for 3 years about 60 hours/week. I learned and achieved a lot but ended up quitting because I was utterly unhappy with my life. Currently I'm doing a job that I don't like (6 months into it, and anything but involved in it).

    => Looking for new opportunities but not being consistent enough to pursue the type of job I'd like.
    => Questioning my will to stay in my current field but since I didn't save a single dime, I can't just quit and take enough time off to reflect upon my future (I have a high rent and mostly spend my money on drinks in bars, smokes and delivery food).

    III) Synthesis

    As you might have guessed from the above, I'm trying to go on a self improvement journey ever since my last LTR terminated. I'd always been sort of depressed and that relationship has put me in quite the existential crisis. After reading the books stated in "II) 3-" , and also reading a few other books (mostly psychology and existential philosophy), I now consider my ultimate aim to be self accomplishment. You might have also guessed that I struggle with consistency and somehow have to rewire my brain's reward system not to fall back into what one might call self-sabotage. To do so, I tried implementing a daily routine consisting of action instead of thought (involving cold showers, meditation, physical activity and reading whilst trying to maintain reasonable awareness of my behavioral patterns). But my lack of discipline always gets in the way =>I cyclically end up running back to a chaotic lifestyle. This is mainly why I think that the concept of this community can be the kick in the ass (excuse my french) I need.

    In my post in brainstorming, I will present you with a draft of a new daily routine/weekly plan I intend on following to work towards fixing the above stated issues. I'd like to include your thoughts in an iterative process to tune it, or throw it away and do things differently depending on your feedback. After that I will post In the goal thread, to give details about the metrics that would help my progress. I intend on sticking rigidly with a plan for at least 6 weeks before changing it in order not to lose focus.I will then post follow ups using those metrics (Frequency to be determined).

    I look forward to working with all of you towards becoming the best men we can possibly be and thanks for reading.
  2. James

    James Host

    Good intro, @norbulak,

    Let's start with Issue 1 for your brainstorming thread, you can post it in Fitness.
    Weightloss is one of the easiest goals for this community to hold you accountable for, because "evidence" is simply a photo of a weight scale reading.
    norbulak likes this.
  3. Fundinn

    Fundinn Active Member

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    Welcome norbulak,

    You seem to know exactly what you have to do. Remember that insanity is repeating the same mistakes twice, expecting a different result. I think that your biggest challenge is going to be consistency. I'm surprised that you managed getting good results spending two weeks of your time doing diets and work outs and then quitting it to go back to your former state. There's a book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people. It might be worth reading it as it has a lot of practical advice. I'm suggesting this book in particular because it looks at a principle-based approach. Not being able to commit is a reactive character trait that needs to be dealt with.

    Finally, I've experienced starvation in the mountains and developed an addiction to food for about one month. The Buddhist principle that we are actually not addicted to food, but to the sensation it provides when we think of the food is what keeps us addicted. If you meditate, think of food and observe the glands that produce saliva in your mouth. It took me about 11 days of meditation to reset my food consumption habits, otherwise I've been paleo/primal for as long as I can remember.

    "Un coup de pied dans le derrière?" Hehe.
    James likes this.
  4. norbulak

    norbulak New Member

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    Thanks @Fundinn
    Nice way to measure reaction/amelioration. Will checkout that book.
    yep ;)

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